


Foolish Gryffindor

by Titti



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Challenge Response, M/M, Merry Smutmas Fest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-01-04
Updated: 2005-01-04
Packaged: 2019-01-16 06:10:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12337032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Titti/pseuds/Titti
Summary: I never thought that I would celebrate the death of Voldemort tied to Severus's bed.





	Foolish Gryffindor

**Author's Note:**

> Part of the Merry Smutmas 2004. Written for gaaak. Her request can be found at http://www.livejournal.com/community/merry_smutmas/47917.html?thread=327213#t327213

**Remus's POV**

The wizarding world is celebrating the death of Lord Voldemort for the second time. Only two days ago, Harry destroyed the Dark Lord. This victory didn't come without a price, but for a few days, everyone tried to push aside the sad memories and rejoice in this newfound peace.

I never thought that I would celebrate this event tied to the bed of one Severus Snape, or we would be celebrating if Minerva hadn't called Severus at the most inopportune moment.

Always mindful of his obligations, Severus left me here, naked, my prick tightly bound, and my wrists tied to the headboard. He did leave my wand close enough that I could Accio it if it became necessary, but I'd rather wait for my lover. I look over at the door, almost willing his return. Even this simple act puts a strain on my body as I stretch against the bindings, and of course there is no Severus.

I lie back down and think about Severus, the boy my friends tormented, the man who disclosed my lycanthropy, the hero who worked tirelessly to destroy Voldemort, but in the end, he is Severus, my lover.

Sirius would scoff at me if he saw me now. Of course, he would be more upset knowing that everything started because of him. After his death, I couldn't come to grip with losing him, and as strange as it sounds, Severus was my strongest connection to him. I remember marching into his office only a few weeks after Sirius' death.

~*~*~*~

"Whatever you want, the answer is no," was the greeting I received as I walked into Severus's office.

"I have a simple question, Severus," I said patiently.

I could hear the sigh that he never let out, but then he pointed toward the chair.

I thanked him and sat down. "During this last year, Sirius and I talked a lot about the past, and he implied that you knew why he... I mean about our sixth year...and..."

Severus raised an eyebrow. "You mean why he tried to kill me, do you not? Well, I don't see why it's any of your business."

"I've never asked him, Severus. I should have, but I was a coward. However, I need to know why he was ready to put me in such danger." Even as I said it, I knew how selfish it sounded. Severus knew it as well because he scoffed.

"Don't worry your little head, Lupin. Black spouted more lies that night that in his entire life, but one thing was true. He never thought about the consequences and how it would impact you." He looked down at the scroll in front of him, but I wasn't willing to let it go yet.

Severus threw the quill on the desk and looked at me. "He never meant to do anything to you. You may go now."

"What did he mean to do to you, and why?" I found myself asking without thinking.

"He meant to kill me. I have no doubt about that, and you don't want to know the reason. Goodbye, Lupin." This time, he went back to the scroll and ignored me until I left.

~*~*~*~

Of course, it wasn't as simple as that. I couldn't forget Severus's revelations. In fact, our discussion popped into my mind constantly: during a meeting of the Order, while talking to Harry, listening to Tonks talk about her family, but most of all when I would see Severus.

I tried to stay away. I tried really hard, understanding full well the implication behind Severus's warning. The truth would hurt, but the constant wondering was killing me. I fought with myself until I succumbed to my curiosity, and I found myself in front of Severus's office.

~*~*~*~

"What now, Lupin?" Severus asked me in his usual annoyed fashion, but he was tense. I think he knew why I was there. In fact, I think he had expected it all along.

I edged toward his desk and sat in one of his chairs. It was hard and rough. I think he picked them on purpose so that his guests would not get too comfortable and overstay their welcome.

"It's about Sirius," I mumbled.

"You're not still on about that, are you?" Severus asked, his entire posture screaming a feigned anger. I knew him too well not to know that he was acting. He was annoyed and resigned, but he wasn't angry, at least not yet.

"Yes, Severus, I'm still trying to understand. I'm aware that I might not like what I hear, but I must know."

Severus laughed, his voice echoing darkly in the room. "Foolish Gryffindor, you don't understand that it's easier to accept what you know and move forward. He hated me; he wanted me dead. He found a way to achieve his goal, but never thought of what could happen to you."

It would have been so easy to accept Severus's words, because it sounded so much like Sirius, except... it didn't. Sirius could be blind in his hate, but a mere school rivalry would not drive him to kill someone. He rarely got so crazy unless James was involved. That's when it hit me. "It was about James, wasn't it?"

Severus snorted. "Wasn't it always? Bloody Saint Potter had everyone worried about him, trying to protect him. Things aren't much different now. Different Potter, same situation."

I refused to get into an argument about Harry. We both knew well that the situation was very different, but he would use anything to distract me. "What did you do to James?" I asked curious. James wasn't shy when it came to defending himself. In fact, he was usually the one to attack Severus first. I couldn't understand why Sirius felt the need to protect him.

Severus was staring at me, indecision written on his face. He probably was looking for the most scathing remark, but nothing I was imagining came close to what he said next.

"I stuck my tongue down his throat." He enunciated each word in a clear challenge. When I didn't answer, he sneered at me. "Oh yes, Potter didn't have any objection when it came to experimenting. He would happily turn to Snivellus to get rid of his 'stiffies'," Severus spat out.

"I....Lily...James..."

Severus sniggered. "Very coherent, Lupin. Yes, Potter wanted Evans, but the girl wasn't putting out, so what was the poor boy to do? He couldn't possibly turn to a Gryffindor; he might get a bout of conscience and tell the truth. So he turned to the one person he knew wouldn't tell anyone."

Now Severus was truly angry, not that one could tell from his voice. Oh no, he was as calm as ever, but I could tell how upset he was. Knowing him, most of this anger was directed at himself for putting himself in this situation, although there was a healthy dose reserved for James and Sirius.

"Why would you do it?" I asked without meaning. My heart went out to him. I could only begin to imagine how hurt he had to have been by my friends' cruelty.

"Because I was stupid, Lupin. I though that maybe, just maybe, the teasing would stop, that they would leave me alone. Of course, watching Potter blow me was satisfaction in and of itself," he ended with a smirk.

The crude words seemed incongruous on his lips, and I realised that except for his grudges I had come to see Severus as different, superior, almost not human. His words shattered that illusion.

"It didn't last long. Black found out about us. Of course, he was convinced that I had done something to poor Potter. His 'majesty' would have never lowered himself with the likes of me. It didn't help that Potter never said anything in my defence. He was happy to let Black think that I had hexed him or given him some potion. Even after he had to rescue me from..." He sighed. "Even after that night, he refused to admit that he had been as willing as I was."

Interesting choice of words, I thought. While Severus spoke, I never even considered the possibility that they cared for one another. Severus and James must have felt forced by life to turn to each other for what they needed.

"I'm sorry," I said, although I wasn't sure why I was apologising: for James's lying, Sirius's cruelty, or my silent complicity.

"I don't need your apologies. The people who needed to apologise are both dead, and I can't say that I'm sorry. In fact, thinking about the fact that I survived them both renews my faith in this world."

He had to have seen my horrified expression; I couldn't believe that anyone would rejoice about someone else's death. Severus leaned against his desk, arms straight on the desk. "I hated them, Lupin, and yes, I'm happy that they are the ones dead, and not me, but don't you dare look at me like that. I could have made Potter's life miserable if I wanted. I could have spread a few rumours. After all, everyone thought I was queer; it wouldn't have hurt me in the least."

Of course, he was lying, but there was no point in contradicting him. It would only upset him, and fighting a war about men who died before they ever had a chance to grow up would help no one. 

I got up and moved the chair back to its place. "Thank you for your candour, Severus. It means a lot to me."

He shrugged. "There was no reason not to. You can't tell anyone without sullying Potter's memory. I could just picture Potter's face if he learned what his father was doing with the hated Potions master."

I smiled. "I wouldn't tell anyone because it's private." I walked to the door and turned to face him again. "For your information, I don't think I would be sullying anyone's memory, because there is nothing wrong with being gay."

I left, smiling. For the first time in my life, I had accomplished the impossible. I had surprised Severus.

~*~*~*~

It should have ended there. I had gone to Severus with questions and I had received my answers. Of course, life is never that simple, especially when Severus and I are concerned.

I began to look at him in a different light. Severus was not Superman. He had needs and wants, and once upon a time, he had compromised his principles to be with James. I don't know why among the many different things he had done in his life that was the one that made him human in my eyes. It also made him more vulnerable, and I started to see his actions in a different light as well.

Of course, I started to look at Harry in a different light as well. So many conflicts between Severus and Harry had begun because of a hatred born decades before. How different would Harry's life be if he had Severus's help and support instead of constant scorn?

I've always been interested in observing people. My biggest fault has always been my steadfast refusal to intervene, but that day I decided that it would stop. I would take an active part in redressing some of the problems my friends and I had caused. A little voice told me 'be careful what you wish for'. I didn't listen to that voice, and it's the best choice I have ever made.

~*~*~*~

I had my first opportunity on a rainy August night. We were at 12 Grimmauld Place. There was another long meeting, with a lot of talk, but I was too tired, emotionally speaking, to listen. I didn't even realise that the meeting was over until Severus approached me.

"You should wait before mourning him."

Severus's voice startled me, and I looked at him with a frown on my face. "I'm sorry, Severus, but I didn't quite get what you said."

"You keep looking at Potter like he's about to die," he said, his voice a mere whisper over the noise made by the other members of the Order. "A little more faith would do everyone a world of good."

I smiled. "I never took you for a man of faith."

He rolled his eyes. "You make too many assumptions, but no, I do not believe in traditional gods. However, I have faith in my abilities. I will keep him alive even against his will. He can die after he destroys the Dark Lord."

I chuckled. It was macabre, I know, but what else could I have done? Severus is a master at delivering his lines. Of course, it was easier once I began to see past his carefully built role. "I'm sure Harry would be thrilled to hear you."

"The boy is thicker than solid wood. He wouldn't understand what I'm telling him, anyway," he said with annoyance. He didn't have to act then. I know how much he dislikes reckless action and lack of thinking.

"Is he?" I asked, looking at him, waiting to see if he would give me an honest answer and not a well-rehearsed line.

"Most of the times." He crossed his arms in front of his chest. "If you expect me to sing his praises, you're mistaken."

"No, I was interested in knowing what you truly think of him, of Harry, of the sixteen years old boy who has been given the job of destroying one of the most evil wizards we've seen in decades."

Severus looked at Harry for a long time. I thought for a moment that he wouldn't answer me, but then he did. "I think that he shouldn't have this burden. I think he has great power and intelligence. He has good instinct and a fair amount of luck. He is brave, but he's also reckless, lazy, disrespectful, unfocused, and prejudiced against anyone in Slytherin."

I nodded. Severus wasn't far off. In fact, he knew Harry much better than most people. He could see the good and the bad, although I'm sure he never divulged the good to anyone.

"Maybe if you stopped looking at him as the mirror image of Sirius and James, you might teach him that House divisions are childish barriers."

He had the gall to laugh at me, right in front of everyone. "You're insane, Lupin. I am the first to believe that all Gryffindors are reckless imbeciles, and you expect me to teach him unity."

I didn't let him dismiss the idea so easily. I rested my hand on his arm, and looked up at him. Severus is tall, not quite as tall as Sirius, but somehow he looked taller to me. "I think you'd be the perfect teacher. You know how these divisions can hurt. Do it because helping him will further your interests, if nothing else."

"I tried helping him," he spat out. "And how did he repay me? He went into my Pensieve and invaded my innermost thoughts. Or maybe I should go and tell him that I want to help because I had a thing with his father. I'm sure that would make him love me."

I smiled. "No, I don't think that would help, but maybe, together, we could come up with an explanation for Sirius's actions. Something that would allow him to make peace with his godfather's memory and with you."

"And what do you suggest we tell him?" he asked. I don't think he could decide if I had gone insane or if it was some kind of prank at his expenses.

"We wouldn't have to lie... much," I said looking straight at him. "It would be easy if we only changed the parties involved..." 

It took a moment for him to understand, but when he did, I thought he was going to hex me. "How dare you even joke about this!"

I shook my head. "I'm not joking, Severus. I wouldn't suggest it, if I thought that you and James were in love-" He snorted and I chuckled. "Right, no love there. We can say that you didn't know what I was until that night, and that would also explain some of the later...resentment," I suggested, gently.

"I didn't need more reasons to dislike you. You almost killed me," he snarled at me. 

I lowered my head. No matter how many years have passed, the idea that I could have killed an innocent being gnaws at me. "I didn't mean to imply that you needed a reason. I'm sorry, but you have to see that it would help," I said hopefully. "If he can put Sirius behind him, he can focus more."

"You want me to lie to Potter, dull him into some deluded dream, hide from him a very important part of who his father and godfather were so that he can act more logically?" 

When he put it like that, I almost thought that I was making a mistake. Was I just another person to manipulate Harry? Then again how would have his life improved by knowing that long ago his father had experimented with people of the same gender? "I want us to lie to keep intact one of the few good memories he has, Severus. As much as you hated them, you must see how unhappy Harry is."

"Even if I agreed," he started, "are you willing to run the risk that he tells someone? The boy seems to share everything with his two accomplices."

"They aren't criminals." 

"That's a matter of opinion," he rebutted immediately.

God, the man is so obstinate at times, or maybe all the times. "I don't mind if they know. Nothing can be worse than having people know that I'm a werewolf, not even telling them that I'm gay."

"We don't need to go that far. We could dismiss it as adolescent experimentation. That's what it was for Potter, anyway."

I shook my head. "No, Severus, you don't understand. I am gay, and at this point, I don't care who knows it. I'm tired of hiding too many parts of my life. You know, I wouldn't have been able to survive without the Order's help since... since I left Hogwarts. However, you did me a great service. You forced me to come out, and I'm not going back in the closet again."

Severus's lip curled. "You're thanking me because now people hate you so much for being a werewolf, that being gay isn't of major importance. How...queer!"

I started laughing, ignoring the strange looks I was getting from the people left in the room. "That's...so perfectly you."

"I shall take that as a compliment. Now, I need to return to Hogwarts. I trust we can postpone this little talk with Potter to some other time."

"Yes, of course, but before school starts," I suggested.

"We shall see."

~*~*~*~

It should have been smooth sailing after that. Talk to Harry, convince him that Sirius hadn't thought of the consequence, but he was reacting to something he saw, and then focus on the future.

What we hadn't counted on was Harry's need for a family, and since he couldn't have his own, he was going to do his best to give us what we should have had long ago, or at least that's what he told me.

He suddenly became 'nice' to Severus. I think that scared my lover more than Voldemort. Several times Severus came to me, almost in panic, trying to understand why Harry was listening to him. I pointed out that it was what we were hoping to achieve, but it didn't quell his fear.

It continued through the school year, during the meetings to which Harry was now a part of. Harry would make comments about how good and helpful Severus was being. He would tell Severus about me, and how well I spoke of him. We could tell when he was lying the moment he opened his mouth, and therefore he was not very effectual, but he was still amusing, at least to me.

Severus continued to worry about Harry's attempt at 'getting us back together', but I didn't. How harmful could a teenager be anyway? I should have known better. I was friends with Sirius and James long enough to know that a teenager could be the ultimate enemy. I found out on Christmas Eve.

~*~*~*~

"Where is everyone?" Severus asked me, his voice accusatory as he walked inside 12 Grimmauld Place.

I was sitting on the couch, in front of the fireplace, reading a book, and preparing to spend Christmas Eve alone. For some strange reason, everyone had last minute plans and no one would be able to spend the night with me. When I heard Severus's voice, I looked over the book in surprised. "I'm sorry?"

"Lupin, do you purposely pretend to be dumb to annoy me?" he snapped back.

"Well, at least you don't think I am dumb. I should take that as a compliment," I said with a smile. "Seriously, I don't know what you're talking about. I suppose everyone is at home celebrating this night with the people he loves."

There was a moment of silence, before Severus's voice bellowed in the empty house. "I will kill him. I will hex him until he's in so much pain that he will ask me to kill him, and even then I won't. I will keep hurting him until he dies of pure distress."

"That's very nice of you," I said calmly. I was getting used to his threats. How did he expect me to believe him when he never carried through is a mystery, really. "And who is the subject of such wonderful treatment?"

"Who else? Potter!" Contrary to his threats, he took a seat on the opposite side of the couch. "Who else would scheme to get me here? I doubt the Dark Lord would lure me here," he said sarcastically.

I bit the inside of my cheek to stop for laughing. "Harry can be quite...persistent at times."

"Too bad he never is when it comes to schoolwork. Very well." He got up with a sigh. "I should return to school. Enjoy your night, Lupin."

I would have loved the company. I hated being alone, and I especially enjoyed Severus's company. In the past months, we had reached a truce made of snarky remarks and unsupported threats. It was actually quite enjoyable. However, I refused to beg for company. "Thank you, Severus. You, too."

I watched him leave the room, before going back to my book. Not even a moment later, Severus marched back inside. "Is everything all right?" I asked, worried.

"I can't leave the house," he said, darkly. "That threat? It just escalated. Now, help me find out how he's keeping me here."

I closed the book and got up immediately. My hand went to my wand without thinking. "It's not Harry," I said in a whisper, looking around. "He's not that good. To keep you inside an unplottable house would require a vast amount of knowledge and power. It's impossible for him to do it from Hogwarts."

Severus had been so upset with Harry that never had thought about that little problem. He took out his wand, and we walked close together, trying to find out any trace of magic. We checked room after room until we entered the dining room.

"I told you I was going to kill the brat," Severus blurted out as soon as we entered the room.

The dining room was clean and lit. The fire was crackling in the earth. The table had been adorned with a festive tablecloth. Fine crystal and silverware rested on it. Candles were spread around the room, casting a suffused light around the room.

Near the table, Dobby was folding a napkin and resting it on the table. "Professors, Dobby done. Enjoy your night."

"You leave me here, and I will make sure that they won't even find your eyes when I'm through with you," Severus threatened. "LET ME OUT!"

"Dobby is sorry, Professor, but Headmaster said Dobby must obey Harry Potter. Harry Potter wants you happy. Harry Potter said you are happy here. Dobby returns in the morning, late morning, Harry Potter said. Professors enjoy dinner, yes? Dobby prepares the best." Just like that, Dobby disappeared.

Severus turned to me, furious. I think he could have killed Harry in that moment. I've learned that most of his anger is usually staged, but when someone takes away his free will, Severus is ready to strike with any means at his disposal, and they are many. "I will find a way out, and I will deliver Potter to the Dark Lord myself."

I gripped his arm as he tried to leave, loosing the hold almost immediately. "You won't be able to break House Elf magic."

"What do you suggest I do?" he asked. He was about to strike out at me, not physically of course, but I knew that at any moment every little thing we had ever done in school would come out, and he would throw it at me to make me feel as miserable as he was. I couldn't deal with that, not on Christmas Eve.

"We could...maybe... enjoy the night. Have dinner together? You can't hate me so much that you'd rather try the impossible to avoid speaking to me." I hoped that it wouldn't scoff me. I had resigned myself to a night alone, but now the idea of staying in an empty room while he tried uselessly a way out made my stomach churn.

"It has nothing to do with what I feel for you," he snapped back, without thinking, his eyes still scouting the room for a way out.

"What do you feel for me?" I asked, half hopeful and half scared of the answer.

He froze and then looked at me. "What do you want me to say, Lupin?" he asked, and his voice sounded like he was ready to panic. Talking about emotions combined with being stuck somewhere against his will was not conducive to a rational Severus and I took a step back, metaphorically speaking.

"I'd like you to say that you'll have dinner with me, and then talk about a book, potions, the Dark arts... I'm not picky, Severus, and I'd love to spend the night with someone, with you." I hoped that it would be the right balance of wanting him to stay and needing someone, regardless of identity. I was afraid that pushing either way would upset him. I must have done it right, because he nodded and sat at the table.

I grinned while I looked at him walking. When I sat down, I removed every trace of the grin, and we proceeded to have a very civil dinner.

~*~*~*~

There were no fireworks that night or angelic beings singing our love for each other. Yet, there was something that we never had: a night filled with understanding, companionship and a sense of belonging. To some people, it might seem inadequate, but for two weary souls like us, it was heaven.

I still smile when I think of that night. 

When discussion and companionship gave way to need for sleep, we walked together upstairs. 

"Well, goodnight, Lupin," Severus said, hesitantly.

"Goodnight, Severus. I had a wonderful night."

"I, as well."

"Does that mean that you won't kill Harry now?" I asked with a smile.

"No, it means that we might do it again without the brat's interferences...if you'd like, of course."

Was he asking me out on a date? I had forgotten the concept of dating, and my heart skipped a beat as the implications sank in. "I hope I don't have to wait until next Christmas Eve," I said with as much calm as I could muster.

And wait I did not. Just a week later, Severus asked me out. He said that we didn't know if we'd live to ring in another year, therefore we might as well take this opportunity. Leave it to Severus to mask a date with the possibility of death.

I'm not sure how he settled on this one restaurant in London: Muggle, so that neither of us could be recognised; gay-friendly, although Severus didn't even touch me; loud, I'm still not sure if he thought that I'd enjoy the ruckus. He might have confused me with Sirius and James, or maybe I never made an effort to distinguish myself from them.

Throughout the night, I waited for a sign, anything. I began to think that Severus wasn't as comfortable with his sexuality as I thought, but he interacted with the other gay men present with ease, almost flirting, or as flirtatious as Severus can ever get.

I was beginning to despair. Maybe I was deluding myself. Maybe he was not interested, and yet I could see the way he looked at me when he thought I wasn't looking. That's when I realised that the past few months couldn't possibly erase years of mistrust. Severus would never make the first move.

I waited patiently until midnight. We were sitting at our table, I leaned toward him, and whispered in his ear, "Isn't a kiss customary?"

His eyes burnt into me as I waited for answer. I was about to tell him that I was joking when he closed the gap and felt his lips on mine. 

His lips were cracked and rough. I suspect mine weren't in a better condition. He tasted of imitation crab and cheap champagne. His fingers gripped the hair at the back of my neck, pulling a little too hard. His tongue swept inside my mouth, searching it with meticulous thoroughness, until I couldn't breath anymore.

With one kiss, he was taking everything I was, and I was happily surrendering. Yet, he soon pulled away. I felt alone, desperate, and needy. Then I focused on him, and Severus was looking at me like I was the main meal at a banquet. However, he was making no move, not a sound escaped him. I don't know how he can have such control, but he effectively threw the ball in my court once more. "I believe a shag is customary as well on New Year's Eve," I said.

He shook his head, and I felt like dying. I lowered my head, looking at my hands. It wasn't pride. I didn't care about that, but my hopes were crushed like a bug.

Severus raised my chin and stared at me. "I stopped having recreational sex with Gryffindors long ago."

"And if I want this to be more than recreational?" I asked, hope filling me once more.

"Lupin, we're treading on dangerous ground."

"Don't we always? Our lives are filled with danger, but I think this... us...it's safe, because I trust you." Strange words given our history, but I meant them. I took his hand in mine. "Please, Severus, let's go home."

He squeezed my hand as he stood up, practically dragging me to a deserted alley so that we could Apparate without being seen. I doubt that the Black house was home for him, but it was the only place we had, the only place that could give us some privacy.

When we reached the house, he led me to the room he had used on Christmas, Sirius's room. I've always wondered if he did it on purpose, his last act of revenge against a dead man. That night I wasn't wondering, though. I wasn't thinking past his body pressed against mine, his hands moving expertly over me, his mouth tasting me.

He pushed me against the door, opening my robe without ever stopping his sexual attack. Heat travelled through me, sweet waves of pleasure building after years of cold loneliness. I was drowning in a sea of sensations, and I welcomed it.

"Lupin?"

His voice forced me to think again, and I didn't like it. It had been too long since I felt so alive. "Don't you think you can call me 'Remus'?"

"Remus." He cupped my face with what I could only describe as tenderness, although he would scoff at me if I suggested it. "I'm tired of games, but you need to be absolutely certain."

"I've never been more certain of anything in my life." I started unbuttoning his robe, my fingers brushing against his skin. "It's not a game for me either, Severus. I want this to be about tonight and any night you want to give me."

I must have said something very right, because the next thing I know is that we were both naked, and lying on the bed. He made love to me with maddening slowness. He touched every part of me, tracing every scar, almost demonising the beast in me. His lips and tongue followed a similar path. When he was done, I was a mass of nerves, pleasure dancing on my skin, tickling like electricity.

"Please, Severus," I pleaded. It set the stage for our relationship, but it didn't matter as Severus pounded into me, driving years of loneliness away, marking the beginning of something deeper than just sex.

When he growled in my ear, asking me, telling me, ordering me to come. I could do nothing more than respond, spilling in his hand, giving him my fears, my hopes and my affection.

Afterwards, he held me tight with a tenderness I didn't think he was capable of. He didn't murmur any nonsense, didn't declare eternal love; I would have been suspicious if he had. Instead he stayed with me all night long, holding possessively even in sleep. His presence was better than any promise he could have made.

~*~*~*~

I hear the door open, and close again. It brings me back to the present. Severus sheds his robe as he walks toward the bed. He crawls over me, tracing my hard cock with a finger. "Have you been a good boy?"

I smile at him. "You've made certain of that."

"Yes, I have," he exclaims proudly, as he magically unties the leather trapping my erection. His fingers close around my prick, and he fists me, faster and faster, barely giving me time to breath.

A panted 'no' escapes me as my control is shattered. I come, shaking and sobbing, before closing my eyes, ignoring him, but of course, Severus doesn't put up with that. I feel his hand over my face. Then his lips ghost over my eyelids.

"You worry too much," he says warmly. "I'm not going anywhere. This was only the appetizer."

I look at him, and I see understanding in his eyes. He knows that some fears don't go away; in fact, they get bigger as the value of what you have increases. I don't want to be alone again, but I could adjust to loneliness again. What's more important is the fact that I can't live without Severus anymore. He has become the centrepiece of my life. He's my colleague, my friend, my lover, the man who knows my fears and does his best to dispel them; he is my everything. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone, and now that Voldemort's dead, he needn't live in secrecy, he needn't live with me.

"Are you really this daft?"

I blink in confusion; I'm pretty sure I haven't said anything aloud. Then, I jump as his tongue traces my still sensitive prick.

"A discussion with Minerva is enough to kill any hard-on. I shall have to play with you until I'm ready to fuck you through the mattress."

"I could have waited." Or at least, I wanted to, but he took that decision away from me. In fact, it has been months since I've made any decisions in our bed.

~*~*~*~

It started in January. It was a few days before the full moon. Voldemort's attacks were multiplying. Both Severus and Harry were in graver danger than ever. I felt restless and nervous, and inadequate. I exploded during a meeting of the Order, yelling at Dumbledore. Everyone looked at me in shock. Remus Lupin doesn't yell, and he certainly doesn't yell at Albus Dumbledore.

Severus ignored my outburst completely, continuing his discussion with Dumbledore. Things changed when we were alone.

"What were you thinking?" he asked me as he slammed the door.

"It's dangerous, Severus. You shouldn't be out there, risking your life on a daily basis. You've done more than enough," I yelled back.

"It's not your decision to make, is it?" he snapped back.

I froze at the words. He didn't think I had any say on what he did. A year together and I shouldn't have cared about what could have happened to him. "I'm sorry I'm interfering with your life," I said stoically. "It won't happen again."

"Don't be daft!" He pulled me close, ignoring my attempts at pulling free. To his credit, I never tried too hard or he would have let go. "We're all taking risks, Remus. I will do what I must and so will you. I can't promise you that I'll survive, but I can promise you that I will do my bloody best to survive this. My revenge against the world."

I nodded, but it wasn't okay. "I... I can't lose you. I wouldn't be able to function. Hell, I can barely do it now. I made an arse of myself before, but I can't..." I looked into his pitch black eyes, hoping for understanding, but it wasn't there.

"I have all these thoughts in my head, and they are overwhelming, and I'm here, alone, thinking, and I feel like I'm losing my mind."

He took my face in his hands, looking at me like he wanted to reach my soul. "I think I can help. The question is do you trust me?"

"Of course," I answered a little hurt.

"I promise I won't hurt you." I was confused as he led me to my bed. He slowly undressed me, and then told me to lie down. He kissed my wrists before pushing my arms up. I was shocked when he took his wand and cast a spell.

I couldn't move my hands, and I began to panic. Severus made a show of resting my wand on the pillow, next to my head. "You can use it if you feel you need it."

I nodded, not understanding where this was leading, but I learned soon enough as he began to make me lose my mind, his tongue tracing seductively over my body, but always avoiding where I wanted it to go. 

I strained against the magical binding, wanting to touch him, push him, do something. He caressed me gently. "Stop thinking. Let it go, Remus. Focus on feeling, I'll take care of the rest. I promise."

It was easy for him to say. I could feel my breath shortening, my heart speeding. I felt imprisoned; I was imprisoned. I turned my head and saw my wand. It was so inviting, near my reach. I didn't even think as the word came out and the wand flew in my hand.

Severus never stopped kissing me, biting me, his teeth leaving a marked trailed down my stomach. I held my wand tight in my grasp. A simple incantation and I would be free. "Severus?"

He looked up at me, one hand resting warmly over my hip. "It is your choice, Remus, but I ask you to trust me." He started his ministrations again, touching just the right spots. 

I kept the wand in my hand, so tight that I thought it would break, but each new sensation distracted me from the bindings and made me focus on Severus, until nothing mattered but the two of us. When he finally breached my body, I was so desperate to feel him within me that I forgot all about the bindings and the wand. 

~*~*~*~

Letting go was the hardest thing I ever did, learning that it was all right to surrender to my lover, but when I won the emotional battle, it was the most rewarding experience ever. For those brief moments, I know that Severus will take care of me completely. I have to do nothing but follow his lead.

"Where are you?" he asks me with a kiss.

I smile at him. "I had lots of time to think."

"Yes? About what?" 

Of course, the hand on my cock makes it very difficult to talk, but I give it my best. "About life, about us."

"That's quite a vast subject. Did you reach any conclusions?" he asks, with that quite not a smile of his.

"That Sirius would have a heart attack if he saw us." 

He starts laughing so hard that he rolls off of me. "God, it would be a glorious ending to a wonderful week," he finally says as he regains his breath.

This time, I Accio my wand and untie myself. I roll close and hold him tight. He doesn't say anything; maybe he needs my touch as much as I need to touch him. 

"I love you, Severus." 

He sniggers. "Foolish Gryffindor." He rolls us around and covers my body with his. "But you're my foolish Gryffindor." 

It's the best declaration I've ever heard.


End file.
